Through the night and beyond

Honestly?

Well, frankly speaking I swore to myself I'll avoid posting in this blog until I finally get my bachelor degree. Yet, it turns out life doesn't just go with everything you've planned. These particularly annoying idea keep popping up in my mind, echoing to be released soon yet it's all stuck by one thing. Or - to be exact by one word.

Skripsi.

God I hate it that much as I hate myself to every single organelles of my cells. 

The thing is, if I have to put an analogy of it, the situation is more like... I don't know. A stuck faucet? I just can't do it. I just can't write it.

As if I just want to jump and do a free fall jump from the height of 30 meters and drown in the ocean and fill my lungs with those salty drops of water.

Or maybe I just want to wander myself to the deepest jungle in India till I find the darkest and safest place ever just so that no light can touch me or even shine through me.

Because I know, once I see the light, I see how filthy I am as a personal human being. 

A dipshit procastrinator who lies and posing stupid smile as if everything is okay.

Please note this. 

I AM NOT - OR, HAVE NOT BEEN OKAY.

It must've been better if I can just run away like I used to do. Hiding. Closing my ears. Closing my eyes. Imagining myself in my most comfort places. Saying soothing words and talk like crap to myself, discussing how things end up like this and that and how to solve those without causing any fuss. Planning one or two steps ahead beyond other people thinking so I can play it cool while everybody is making ruckus about things that might or might not be happening.

Yet, the thing is.. part of me doesn't want to do things I rationally think are right. Well, most of me. 

So many things to be thought. So many things to be solved. So many things will come. Everything is just tangled and slowly but sure causing pain in the ass of my brain (well, hypothetically if I can use a metaphore on something like that)

Aaaahhh.. if I just run away to the beach, throwing myself and drowning in the ocean so I can hear nothing even my own breath. Or if I can only hide in the darkest part of the forest till I can see nor being seen by others. That would've been much better.

Honestly?

I need some help.