Blast of 21 and Revolution

I am now 21 and I feel as if I am the dumbest and the most idiotic person on earth.

To live a life as you are in abyss where you cannot even have a chance to crawl back from the grieve. To live in a life realizing the dark part of you starts to eating you alive without letting any photon of light touch you. To live in a life with full of air yet dying as if I am playing as Kitai while having adventurous journey on earth, cannot breathe even a single breath without air filter.

Stuck. Suck. Damned. Cursed.

That was probably a little description of things I feel during my 20th year of my life.

No, I did have some interesting and joyful moments. Having fun with people I love, being surrounded by people I treasure the most, sharing part of my life filmstrip with people I bet you will envy me for the rest of your life. Still, it cannot hinder the fact that some part of me was losing during my 20th year of life.

My heart. My passion. And myself.

As in my opinion, having a dare to live in this world means you are ready to play a role as well as with the consequences. My fault, for not realizing it sooner. Nineteen years of my life, I spent it by observing people and try to fit and blend with other people.  Yes, do call me whatever you want. For me, living in this world is not more that obeying what is good and what is right, by acting as a person that will be fit and accepted in your circumstances. Let me give you an example. When you dare yourself to be a student, what kind of image you think as the best image of student could ever live? In my case, a student ought to be smart, having highest grade on every subject-or at least science, being treasured by teachers, discipline, do homework on time, join Olympic, and be smart ass whom having place in hell for asking hard questions in the last minutes before class is about to end. Then, in order to be fit and being accepted in society, I pictured and acted my self as that type of student. Dumb, wasn't I? Whatever. By all means, I succeed passing through my school life by having image of "straight" and excellent student.

Another illustration of mine, in surviving in the organization I join now, what is the best and suitable person that could fit and accepted? In order to be fitted, I must be a person, with eagerness to learn, workaholic, rich, having no doubt to spend almost Rp 30.000,- on a sloki of espresso and a scoop of  ice cream (later on I acknowledge it as affogato)  on a restaurant with such western style and name which is placed where no angkot route passing by, having no doubt waking up late discussing things about management and financial things and ended up sleeping on a thin and smelly carpet at early 3 am. Moreover, it is expected that I have to work and dedicate myself for the sake of the organization, spending my weekend and my nights, tracking staff and make sure everything went perfectly and flawlessly as if I am working as a labour in a huge company by not to forget in mentioning to keep my brand as an exclussive strategical board whom has to share all the attention on detail of my attitude and how I should behave as a flawless leader.

Twenty years of my life get wasted by spending my entire moment to please other people and try to be fitted.

It is not that I dislike the situation, I realize now that I hate the situation the most. I mean, what kind of dumb that will spend the entire of her life by trying to be fitted and accepted? What if I am just not fit? What if I am just unique like everybody else? What's so bad of accepting me by who I am in terms of my true personality? I am a monstrous introvert who loves physics, loves to write, loves to observe and analyze people, loves to read comic until late, loves to mess up my room, treasures romantic and lovey dovey story like what it was happening in 80's, treasures of stationery the most, enjoying myself watching the first 20 episode of Indonesian drama and ended up hating it for the absurd story plot's development, touched and admiring the "unyu" moments of  "unyu" teenlit novel story, and has no desire of change. I am conventional and always will be.

Oh, and about my heart, I tried to kill it since a year ago.

See, I am sort of having symptoms of a phobia called Athazagoraphobia - a fear of being disposed and left behind. I am not saying myself of having that kind of the phobia in me, but I do have some symptoms of it. I have no desire to visit and psychiatric yet, so for me the best  way to cure it is by killing my own heart and taking distance among people I am now hanging out with. At certain conditions, it went well. In other conditions, I end up hurting people around me. It was not a good experience, I know. It did not feel good either. Yet, by all means, I will not get hurt and feel sorrow when they get out of the scene of my life someday. A friend of mine said to me that,

"We cannot please everyone, so put aside you stupid and irrational act and do think of yourself." 

I do that now, so I don't make any mistake, do I? At least, I do it for the future me.

Frankly speaking, these whole 20 years of my life make me tired. I am sick of life I live on.

By the presence of a new year in my age, nothing I would love to do but making a revolution of myself. I will not ever again hide myself and my true identity. Yes, I will be honest and tell no lies ever again, even to myself. I will not live in denial stage. I choose to stay and live in reality instead of stupid fairy tail that mesmerizes me all this time. A stupid fairy tail that could grant any wish and dream of girls. Well, Alex said to me a dream only last for a night, so why would I bother to choose to stay in my dream instead of facing my reality? Even Demi lovato reveals her true identity and she ends up acknowledging to have more people loving her.

BLAST MY 21th YEAR OF MY LIFE!! HUGE REVOLUTION IS COMING.

STARTS FROM TODAY, I AM A REAL AND BRAND NEW ME!

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The Power of Belief

I know I miss the past too much.

Oke, patut di garis bawahi, ini bukan tentang sesuatu berwujud virus merah jambu dan berbagai kisah konyol yang ku alami di masa lalu. Atau bahkan tentang bagaimana beberapa bagian dari kisah merah jambu itu mengalun lembut menembus relung pikiranku. Tidak, ini bukan tentang itu.

Hanya saja...

Banyak hal yang sudah terjadi di masa lalu, entah itu senang dan patut dikubur hidup-hidup. Intinya, sudah terlalu banyak yang terlewati. Terlalu banyak.

Jadi, setelah melakukan hal random dan derping around di facebook, betapa saya sekarang menyadari betapa banyak berkah dan waktu yang telah terlewat. Tentang bagaimana saya terseok menjalani kehidupan tapi begitu menyukainya. Tentang bagaimana saya menjalani semua dengan penuh keyakinan dan harapan, disertai tameng keberanian. Tentang bagaimana saya sanggup tertawa lepas akan semua cobaan dan ujian bersama dengan teman dekat dan teman paling dekat. Tentang bagaimana saya begitu yakin, bahwa hidup saya tak bisa jauh lebih menyenangkan dan itu membuat saya berani menatap masa depan.

Ada yang hilang, sebuah keyakinan.

Keyakinan bukanlah hanya tentang iman, tapi tentang bagaimana kau mempercayai apa yang kau lakukan dan mengetahui dengan detail apa yang akan kau hadapi. Keyakinan bukanlah hanya tentang keagamaan, tapi tentang bagaimana kau menegakkan bahumu dan menjalani semua dengan sepenuh hatimu. Keyakinan bukanlah hanya tentang percaya, tapi juga menyukai hal yang ada padanya.

Sebuah keyakinan telah lama hilang, hendak dicari kemana?

Katakanlah kau seorang anak manusia yang tak memiliki keyakinan. Maka bisa ku pastikan kau hanyalah raga kopong tanpa nyawa. Katakanlah kau seorang budak Tuhan yang tak berkeyakinan teguh, maka bisa ku pastikan kau hanyalah sebuah ranting kecil rapuh yang siap diterjang angin badai.

Persis.

Mungkin pada akhirnya, saya memang bukanlah seorang masokis yang begitu mencintai dinamika hidup yang begitu keras. Tapi saya juga tidak ingin menjadi sepotong wortel. Bagaimana pun, menjadi kopi lah yang terbaik.

Ketika kau kehilangan keyakinan, lalu apa yang hendak kau lakukan?

Ketika kau tidak menyukai hidupmu, lalu hidup siapa yang ingin kau jalani?

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Introvert, huh?

Have you considered yourself as an introvert?

I mean, by being socially awkward, hardly communicate with other people, barely have willingness to share things you have in your mind, and by being able to control yourself in your own world?

No?

Well, then lucky you.

Because I have to tell you that I'm one hell of an introvert.

And until less than 24 hours ago, I just realized how freaking bad I am as an introvert. Bang!!

Being an introvert does not always mean that you are bad, nor even good. Being introvert is about a choice, I think. About how you want to share yourself to others, not to mention loose your true identity itself.

I've once realized that I was an introvert. At that time, for me that was totally okay. I mean, by the presence of hundreds of comics on your side and series of favourite cartoons on Sunday morning, what else do you expect from this world? 

I thought I was okay, even I thought I had changed and become an extrovert. Until someone slapped me in the face and realized me how I have turned in to a freaking bad monster introvert, whom almost fell over the abyss!! What???

I've been all the same all this time. I am one hell of a freaking introvert. Even worse.

By being an introvert in the past is okay.

But being introvert in the present time as I am now... It means I am dead. 

Being an introvert is about a choice. 

And I am dying in the process of making the decision itself.

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Demi Lovato - Heart Attack

So I'm

Puttin' my defences up

Cause I don't want to fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I'd have a heart attack...

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Post #57

Entah sudah kali ke berapa saya meminta dalam hidup. Entah juga sudah kali berapa pikiran ini luput dari-Nya. Tapi percayalah, Tuhan tak pernah tidur! Dan tetap mendengar doamu 

Sekalipun itu tak pernah terucap.

Ketika manusia berencana, maka Tuhan yang akan memutuskan.

Ketika manusia meminta, maka Tuhan yang akan mengabulkan.

Ketika manusia mulai menyimpang, maka Tuhan akan meluruskan.

Karena Tuhan lebih mengetahui dirimu

Jauh lebih baik dari siapapun

Bahkan dirimu sendiri

Manusia meminta apa yang diinginkan

Dan Tuhan akan memberikan apa yang kau butuhkan

Tak peduli betapapun kau tak mengerti di permulaan

Semua sudah terencana demi hasil akhir yang lebih baik

Sesederhana itu

Dan ketika aku mendapatkan semua yang aku punya

Maka itulah hal yang paling ku butuhkan

Dan jika aku belum mendapat jawaban atas segala yang aku minta

Maka mungkin hal itu tidaklah aku perlukan

Dan ini termasuk tentang dirimu

**

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Kiss me - Sixpence None The Richer

Flawless.
 Can't wait to see the movie all over again.. :) :) :)

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Terbaik?

Bukan berarti kau harus selalu menjadi yang terbaik, tapi berikanlah yang terbaik pada setiap usahamu

Baiklah, mari pikirkan sejenak kata-kata ini. Sebuah kalimat singkat yang baru saja terucap oleh salah satu asprak saya di mata kuliah yang paling membuat kepala saya cenat-cenut. Sebuah kalimat, yang meski singkat, tapi bagi saya memiliki makna yang dalam.

Mari sama-sama kita cermati.

"Bukan berarti kau harus selalu menjadi yang terbaik, tapi berikanlah yang terbaik pada setiap usahamu"

Baiklah.. saya memang bukanlah filsuf yang pandai menelaah kata. Bukan pula penyair dan pujangga yang sanggup memberi tafsir pada setiap kalimat yang ada. Saya hanyalah seorang manusia akhir zaman yang sedang berusaha memetakan kehidupan saya yang kini mulai semrawut. Seseorang yang dengan sangat tidak bertanggungjawab melalaikan tugasnya hanya demi menelaah kalimat ini dengan begitu seksama.

"..., tapi berikanlah yang terbaik pada setiap usahamu."

Manusia - tidak, motivator lebih tepatnya, selalu bilang bahwa potensi umat manusia tidak memiliki batas. Bagaikan garis asimtot yang tak memiliki akhir, umat manusia akan berkembang dan bergerak sesuai dengan pengalaman yang pernah dicicipinya. Seperti layaknya jagat raya yang mengembang menuju infinity, potensi umat manusia tampak begitu abstrak hingga tak bisa dijelaskan lagi.

"... berikanlah yang terbaik pada setiap usahamu."

Well, kalau boleh saya tanya, indikator apa yang kau gunakan saat kau bilang, "oke, ini memang sudah usaha terbaik saya"? Standar apa yang kau gunakan untuk menyatakan secara gamblang bahwa "ya, kau memang sudah berusaha sebaik yang kau bisa"? Lupakah kau dengan pembicaraan para motivator bahwa potensi manusia tidak terbatas? Jika potensinya tidak terbatas, maka usahamu pun pasti tidak terbatas karena kau tidak akan pernah menemukan poin terbaik dalam hidupmu. Poin terbaik dalam hidupmu berada pada titik tanpa batas. Jadi bagaimana caranya kau bisa menyatakan secara gamblang bahwa itu adalah usaha terbaikmu?

"aku sudah berusaha sebaik yang aku bisa."

 Percayalah, semua itu hanya sebuah omong kosong yang bisa diucap manusia ketika mereka tak sanggup lagi berkilah.

Jadi, ketika kau merasa gagal akan dirimu, merasa buruk akan usahamu, alasan apalagi yang akan kau utarakan?

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