To live a life as you are in abyss where you cannot even have a chance to crawl back from the grieve. To live in a life realizing the dark part of you starts to eating you alive without letting any photon of light touch you. To live in a life with full of air yet dying as if I am playing as Kitai while having adventurous journey on earth, cannot breathe even a single breath without air filter.
Stuck. Suck. Damned. Cursed.
That was probably a little description of things I feel during my 20th year of my life.
No, I did have some interesting and joyful moments. Having fun with people I love, being surrounded by people I treasure the most, sharing part of my life filmstrip with people I bet you will envy me for the rest of your life. Still, it cannot hinder the fact that some part of me was losing during my 20th year of life.
My heart. My passion. And myself.
As in my opinion, having a dare to live in this world means you are ready to play a role as well as with the consequences. My fault, for not realizing it sooner. Nineteen years of my life, I spent it by observing people and try to fit and blend with other people. Yes, do call me whatever you want. For me, living in this world is not more that obeying what is good and what is right, by acting as a person that will be fit and accepted in your circumstances. Let me give you an example. When you dare yourself to be a student, what kind of image you think as the best image of student could ever live? In my case, a student ought to be smart, having highest grade on every subject-or at least science, being treasured by teachers, discipline, do homework on time, join Olympic, and be smart ass whom having place in hell for asking hard questions in the last minutes before class is about to end. Then, in order to be fit and being accepted in society, I pictured and acted my self as that type of student. Dumb, wasn't I? Whatever. By all means, I succeed passing through my school life by having image of "straight" and excellent student.
Another illustration of mine, in surviving in the organization I join now, what is the best and suitable person that could fit and accepted? In order to be fitted, I must be a person, with eagerness to learn, workaholic, rich, having no doubt to spend almost Rp 30.000,- on a sloki of espresso and a scoop of ice cream (later on I acknowledge it as affogato) on a restaurant with such western style and name which is placed where no angkot route passing by, having no doubt waking up late discussing things about management and financial things and ended up sleeping on a thin and smelly carpet at early 3 am. Moreover, it is expected that I have to work and dedicate myself for the sake of the organization, spending my weekend and my nights, tracking staff and make sure everything went perfectly and flawlessly as if I am working as a labour in a huge company by not to forget in mentioning to keep my brand as an exclussive strategical board whom has to share all the attention on detail of my attitude and how I should behave as a flawless leader.
Twenty years of my life get wasted by spending my entire moment to please other people and try to be fitted.
It is not that I dislike the situation, I realize now that I hate the situation the most. I mean, what kind of dumb that will spend the entire of her life by trying to be fitted and accepted? What if I am just not fit? What if I am just unique like everybody else? What's so bad of accepting me by who I am in terms of my true personality? I am a monstrous introvert who loves physics, loves to write, loves to observe and analyze people, loves to read comic until late, loves to mess up my room, treasures romantic and lovey dovey story like what it was happening in 80's, treasures of stationery the most, enjoying myself watching the first 20 episode of Indonesian drama and ended up hating it for the absurd story plot's development, touched and admiring the "unyu" moments of "unyu" teenlit novel story, and has no desire of change. I am conventional and always will be.
Oh, and about my heart, I tried to kill it since a year ago.
See, I am sort of having symptoms of a phobia called Athazagoraphobia - a fear of being disposed and left behind. I am not saying myself of having that kind of the phobia in me, but I do have some symptoms of it. I have no desire to visit and psychiatric yet, so for me the best way to cure it is by killing my own heart and taking distance among people I am now hanging out with. At certain conditions, it went well. In other conditions, I end up hurting people around me. It was not a good experience, I know. It did not feel good either. Yet, by all means, I will not get hurt and feel sorrow when they get out of the scene of my life someday. A friend of mine said to me that,
"We cannot please everyone, so put aside you stupid and irrational act and do think of yourself."
I do that now, so I don't make any mistake, do I? At least, I do it for the future me.
Frankly speaking, these whole 20 years of my life make me tired. I am sick of life I live on.
By the presence of a new year in my age, nothing I would love to do but making a revolution of myself. I will not ever again hide myself and my true identity. Yes, I will be honest and tell no lies ever again, even to myself. I will not live in denial stage. I choose to stay and live in reality instead of stupid fairy tail that mesmerizes me all this time. A stupid fairy tail that could grant any wish and dream of girls. Well, Alex said to me a dream only last for a night, so why would I bother to choose to stay in my dream instead of facing my reality? Even Demi lovato reveals her true identity and she ends up acknowledging to have more people loving her.
BLAST MY 21th YEAR OF MY LIFE!! HUGE REVOLUTION IS COMING.
STARTS FROM TODAY, I AM A REAL AND BRAND NEW ME!
Along with this comment, I send prayers of wishing you only the best.
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