Through the night and beyond

Honestly?

Well, frankly speaking I swore to myself I'll avoid posting in this blog until I finally get my bachelor degree. Yet, it turns out life doesn't just go with everything you've planned. These particularly annoying idea keep popping up in my mind, echoing to be released soon yet it's all stuck by one thing. Or - to be exact by one word.

Skripsi.

God I hate it that much as I hate myself to every single organelles of my cells. 

The thing is, if I have to put an analogy of it, the situation is more like... I don't know. A stuck faucet? I just can't do it. I just can't write it.

As if I just want to jump and do a free fall jump from the height of 30 meters and drown in the ocean and fill my lungs with those salty drops of water.

Or maybe I just want to wander myself to the deepest jungle in India till I find the darkest and safest place ever just so that no light can touch me or even shine through me.

Because I know, once I see the light, I see how filthy I am as a personal human being. 

A dipshit procastrinator who lies and posing stupid smile as if everything is okay.

Please note this. 

I AM NOT - OR, HAVE NOT BEEN OKAY.

It must've been better if I can just run away like I used to do. Hiding. Closing my ears. Closing my eyes. Imagining myself in my most comfort places. Saying soothing words and talk like crap to myself, discussing how things end up like this and that and how to solve those without causing any fuss. Planning one or two steps ahead beyond other people thinking so I can play it cool while everybody is making ruckus about things that might or might not be happening.

Yet, the thing is.. part of me doesn't want to do things I rationally think are right. Well, most of me. 

So many things to be thought. So many things to be solved. So many things will come. Everything is just tangled and slowly but sure causing pain in the ass of my brain (well, hypothetically if I can use a metaphore on something like that)

Aaaahhh.. if I just run away to the beach, throwing myself and drowning in the ocean so I can hear nothing even my own breath. Or if I can only hide in the darkest part of the forest till I can see nor being seen by others. That would've been much better.

Honestly?

I need some help.

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Calamity

If I have to fall again
To the darkness of illusion I've always tricked
When all the crap and all the tears seemed as magical sweet pinkish mind
Being deceived by the combination of those hormonal reactions
Resulting uncontrollable breath as well as heart beat
Emerging all the complete nonsense of sensasion in my tummy
Echoing a certain face and a name over and over inside my head
Making me miserable by inconsistently thinking through my knees
Ignoring any rational reasons for me to get back on my feet
Letting no one but an ordinary person come inside
Give him power and authority of the heart

Then I ask nothing but one thing,
Spare me a piece of favour in saving a bit of my logic and rational mind
For when I have fallen deeply to the tempting sweet abyss place
The mind palace where I can think and communicate calmly through evidence-based fact
Is going to become a complete mess.

What a scary person the gentleman would be.

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Because fear is your only enemy

So I watched frozen movie. And a thought is never leaving my mind alone after I finished watching it.

Somethings is not right, and I've felt it since long time ago.

Begitu banyak curhatan tidak menentu arah yang tertumpah di blog ini, tanpa sedikit pun memikirkan bahwa apapun yang kau unggah ke internet berarti mengizinkan jutaan manusia di bumi untuk mengakses secara langsung ke dalam pikiranmu tanpa harus minta izin terlebih dahulu. Bahkan bagi saya, blog merupakan tempat yang menurut saya tepat untuk menumpahkan segala yang saya pikirkan daripada saya menulis diary. Semua hanya karena satu hal.

Saya benci kalimat pertama yang selalu saya tulis di setiap halaman diary. Dear diary.

Terlalu banyak yang harus diceritakan, sampai pada masa dimana saya melihat kotak putih bertuliskan draft tulisan, otak saya menolak untuk bekerja. Memaksa saya untuk menulis secara melompat tak tentu arah, yang berujung pada rasa lelah karena bukan itu - atau ini, yang ingin saya tulis dan saya sampaikan pada dunia.

Karena saya merasa lelah, dan terlalu takut untuk menjadi makhluk Tuhan yang disebut 'manusia'. Terlebih menjadi seorang wanita.

Karena untuk mencapai sebuah keutuhan sebagai manusia madani, kita harus mengikuti berbagai aturan baku dan rigid. Mencetak generasi menjadi koloni robot yang berusaha untuk mencapai kehidupan Madani, hingga rela melepaskan kebebasan demi hidup dalam sebuah ketakutan akan autoritas yang lebih tinggi.

Tapi tak dinyana, saya juga memiliki inkuiri. Terlebih dengan gaya hidup yang saya jalani sebagai seorang guru sains, membuat saya memupuk rasa keingintahuan saya untuk menjadi lebih besar, lebih tajam, dan lebih tepat. Begitu juga dengan semua post 9gag dan pembicaraan pada training-training yang mencuci otakmu untuk berani berpikir berbeda dan menunjukkan keunikanmu pada dunia, yang membuat saya begitu enggan menjadi orang sama dan seragam, ditengah usaha saya untuk menjadi bagian dari masyarakat yang homogen. Sebuah paradoksial, yang memaksa saya mengenyampingkan segala pemikiran buruk dan menutupinya dengan itikad baik demi mencapai sosok anak dan umat sempurna, baik dimata orang tua dan Tuhan.

Tapi saya tahu, Tuhan tidak akan pernah bisa saya tipu, karena bagaimanapun Tuhan yang menciptakan saya, dan menggenggam hati saya. Tak peduli seberapa pun saya ingin lepas dan berpikir objektif tentang-Nya dan keinginan-Nya.

Ketika kau memiliki keingintahuan yang besar untuk menjalani hal yang taboo, tetapi kau begitu takut untuk menjadi begitu berbeda dan tidak diterima, maka Andrelah satu satunya jalan keluar yang bisa saya miliki. Menyalahkan semua padanya, membuatnya terlihat begitu buruk dan penghasut, membuatnya selalu di partai oposisi dari segala apa yang saya inginkan, dan memaksanya membuat saya begitu realistis dan skeptikal dalam menjalani hidup. Karena Andre tercipta untuk menjadi disguise dan precaution dari segala hal tidak baik yang saya ingin lakukan. Karena Andre tercipta menjadi sebuah imaji vivid untuk menemani saya di dalam abyss, mind palace of mine.

Andre ada, karena saya membutuhkannya agar saya tidak jadi gila sendiri.

Andre membuat saya mendengar lebih banyak, melihat lebih banyak, memikirkan pendapat orang lebih seksama, merasakan lebih tajam, dan memprediksi segala sesuatu lebih matang dari orang normal. Sebuah kebiasaan yang saya lakukan sedari kecil hingga saya selalu ketakutan memutuskan sesuatu, bahkan untuk diri saya sendiri. Andre dan segala hal tentangnya membuat saya takut, untuk mempunyai mimpi yang saya tahu tidak akan saya gapai. Yang saya tahu saya hanya punya hari ini, dan saya hanya punya Andre. Teman berbagi yang ketika saya bercerita padanya, saya tak perlu berbicara banyak, karena dia tahu dengan tepat yang saya rasakan dan saya pikirkan. Karena itu, menulis tak lagi jadi tujuan. Berselisih pendapat dengan Andrelah yang jadi kebiasaan.


Berselisih paham dengan Andre memaksa saya berteman dengan rasa takut. Dan saya tidak suka itu. Seandainya saya bisa seperti Kitai atau Will Smith, yang bisa memilih untuk mengabaikan rasa takut. Menurut saya itu keren. Mungkin karena itu saya tidak bosan menonton film after earth setiap kali saya pulang ke rumah. Karena bagaimanapun otak saya selalu menginterpretasikan film itu dengan sudut pandang berbeda. Tentang bagaimana mengadapi rasa takut, dan menjadi tidak terlihat oleh rasa takutmu sendiri.

Because fear is your only enemy. Danger is real, but fear is a choice.

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Blast of 21 and Revolution

I am now 21 and I feel as if I am the dumbest and the most idiotic person on earth.

To live a life as you are in abyss where you cannot even have a chance to crawl back from the grieve. To live in a life realizing the dark part of you starts to eating you alive without letting any photon of light touch you. To live in a life with full of air yet dying as if I am playing as Kitai while having adventurous journey on earth, cannot breathe even a single breath without air filter.

Stuck. Suck. Damned. Cursed.

That was probably a little description of things I feel during my 20th year of my life.

No, I did have some interesting and joyful moments. Having fun with people I love, being surrounded by people I treasure the most, sharing part of my life filmstrip with people I bet you will envy me for the rest of your life. Still, it cannot hinder the fact that some part of me was losing during my 20th year of life.

My heart. My passion. And myself.

As in my opinion, having a dare to live in this world means you are ready to play a role as well as with the consequences. My fault, for not realizing it sooner. Nineteen years of my life, I spent it by observing people and try to fit and blend with other people.  Yes, do call me whatever you want. For me, living in this world is not more that obeying what is good and what is right, by acting as a person that will be fit and accepted in your circumstances. Let me give you an example. When you dare yourself to be a student, what kind of image you think as the best image of student could ever live? In my case, a student ought to be smart, having highest grade on every subject-or at least science, being treasured by teachers, discipline, do homework on time, join Olympic, and be smart ass whom having place in hell for asking hard questions in the last minutes before class is about to end. Then, in order to be fit and being accepted in society, I pictured and acted my self as that type of student. Dumb, wasn't I? Whatever. By all means, I succeed passing through my school life by having image of "straight" and excellent student.

Another illustration of mine, in surviving in the organization I join now, what is the best and suitable person that could fit and accepted? In order to be fitted, I must be a person, with eagerness to learn, workaholic, rich, having no doubt to spend almost Rp 30.000,- on a sloki of espresso and a scoop of  ice cream (later on I acknowledge it as affogato)  on a restaurant with such western style and name which is placed where no angkot route passing by, having no doubt waking up late discussing things about management and financial things and ended up sleeping on a thin and smelly carpet at early 3 am. Moreover, it is expected that I have to work and dedicate myself for the sake of the organization, spending my weekend and my nights, tracking staff and make sure everything went perfectly and flawlessly as if I am working as a labour in a huge company by not to forget in mentioning to keep my brand as an exclussive strategical board whom has to share all the attention on detail of my attitude and how I should behave as a flawless leader.

Twenty years of my life get wasted by spending my entire moment to please other people and try to be fitted.

It is not that I dislike the situation, I realize now that I hate the situation the most. I mean, what kind of dumb that will spend the entire of her life by trying to be fitted and accepted? What if I am just not fit? What if I am just unique like everybody else? What's so bad of accepting me by who I am in terms of my true personality? I am a monstrous introvert who loves physics, loves to write, loves to observe and analyze people, loves to read comic until late, loves to mess up my room, treasures romantic and lovey dovey story like what it was happening in 80's, treasures of stationery the most, enjoying myself watching the first 20 episode of Indonesian drama and ended up hating it for the absurd story plot's development, touched and admiring the "unyu" moments of  "unyu" teenlit novel story, and has no desire of change. I am conventional and always will be.

Oh, and about my heart, I tried to kill it since a year ago.

See, I am sort of having symptoms of a phobia called Athazagoraphobia - a fear of being disposed and left behind. I am not saying myself of having that kind of the phobia in me, but I do have some symptoms of it. I have no desire to visit and psychiatric yet, so for me the best  way to cure it is by killing my own heart and taking distance among people I am now hanging out with. At certain conditions, it went well. In other conditions, I end up hurting people around me. It was not a good experience, I know. It did not feel good either. Yet, by all means, I will not get hurt and feel sorrow when they get out of the scene of my life someday. A friend of mine said to me that,

"We cannot please everyone, so put aside you stupid and irrational act and do think of yourself." 

I do that now, so I don't make any mistake, do I? At least, I do it for the future me.

Frankly speaking, these whole 20 years of my life make me tired. I am sick of life I live on.

By the presence of a new year in my age, nothing I would love to do but making a revolution of myself. I will not ever again hide myself and my true identity. Yes, I will be honest and tell no lies ever again, even to myself. I will not live in denial stage. I choose to stay and live in reality instead of stupid fairy tail that mesmerizes me all this time. A stupid fairy tail that could grant any wish and dream of girls. Well, Alex said to me a dream only last for a night, so why would I bother to choose to stay in my dream instead of facing my reality? Even Demi lovato reveals her true identity and she ends up acknowledging to have more people loving her.

BLAST MY 21th YEAR OF MY LIFE!! HUGE REVOLUTION IS COMING.

STARTS FROM TODAY, I AM A REAL AND BRAND NEW ME!

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